getting past myself

As always, I'm great on dreaming, pretty good on planning, and horrible on actually doing. Not because I don't care (quite the opposite!), but possibly because I care so much that I become scared of the enormity of whatever I'm seeting out to do and ... well ... I never get passed that.

You know? Fight or flight? What they don't tell you about is the third survival instinct: freeze. That's what I do best. Like a deer caught in the headlights, I stare in shock at the big event, dillema, or opportunity bearing down on me, and it becomes my downfall.

I am fighting my inner freeze with everything I've got right now. It's like having daily--even hourly--pep talks with myself. I can do it. I can do it. I will do it.

• I will find a job in the next 4 weeks
• I will choose a paint color for my new bedroom (and the rest of the house)
• I will call friends and let them know what's going on
• I will take the time to sit down and talk with my mom about our business ideas
• I will then do the business ideas, even in the midst of the move
• I will keep promises to friends and family
• I will pack only what is necessary for the move
• I will coordinate setting up utilities, forwarding mail, deep-cleaning the house, and finding a good doctor/vet/beautician
• I will have fun planning a house-warming party
• I will not panic!

sleepless

So, here I am, at 3:47 am, typing away on the keyboard and wondering why in the world I can't go to sleep. I am supposed to "wake up" in less than four hours to go to work. This isn't going to be pretty.

By 11:00 am today, I will be undergoing what I hope will not, but fear will be, a trial under fire of sorts at the tea room. Because of circumstances beyond the owner's control, only she and I will be working today. Two people doing what 4-5 normally do. If people heed the mental signals of distress I am sending out right now, they will avoid the tea room at all costs and give us a nice, boring day with only one bridal shower and a handful of walk-ins so that I can cook and she can serve and we can both leave at a decent hour before I have to go to my next job. If my fears come true, however, we are going to be slammed and have more than a few annoyed patrons on our hands when we can't seat them right away, take their orders right away, and make their food right away. Please, oh please, oh please don't be like that!

On the other hand, I have only ever called in once at the Big Retail Store, and that was due to a sudden illness back in October or November, I think. If this sleeplessness continues, and I am completely worn out from the tea room, I may have to beg out of working in the evening due to incoherence and exaustion.

After having written all this, I think I know what is wrong with me: I had a skull-throbbing headache all day that increased in intensity until I finally couldn't stand it around dinner time and took a couple of ibuprofin. By midnight, when the pain still hadn't reliquished, I took Excedrin Migraine with some Diet Pepsi--my sure-fire headache extinguishing combo. Of course, I had hoped to fall asleep before the caffeine kicked in, but I guess I missed out on that. However, the good news is that my headache is finally gone.

The bad news is that I still have to use knives in the morning. This could get messy.

all coming together ...

The checklist is almost all checked off now for buying the house. I think they're only waiting on the appraisal to come through in order to finish the loan process, and then we (OK, my parents) close on the new house sometime in the next two weeks.

Somebody pinch me. Is this real? I still can't believe that I'm beginning yet another new phase in my life. This time around, I'm going to start packing earlier, label boxes more accurately, and hold a great big yard sale to get rid of all the clothing that doesn't fit, items I don't use, and other "one man's junk is another man's treasure" type stuff.

Oh, and get a job. Or two. Or three. Whatever it takes to support myself.

So ... when is somebody going to invent money that actually DOES grow on tree?

*Gulp*

Told one of my bosses today about my intent to move in July. She took it surprisingly well, considering the kind of week she's had. I was scared to tell her--not because of her (she's wonderful!)--but because I know how rough it's been lately at the tea room due to scheduling conflicts, and she depends on me to be there to keep things running on the weekends.

I'm relieved to have it all out in the open at last, although it still feels surreal.

No news yet on the job I interviewed for ...

LCE ... Phase One

It happened.

The Life Change Event has really happened.

My family is investing in a house. And my brother and I are going to "rent" it.

In about 3 weeks my parents expect to sign the paperwork and close on the property. My brother will move in right away, since his current lease expires next month, and I will be moving out of my parents' basement and into the upstairs of the new house as soon as I get a job out in the Nashville area. My share of the investment will be interior decorating and "housekeeping" while I live there over the next couple of years until we sell it (hopefully at a nice profit!).

I'm actually moving back to Middle Tennessee!

I am too excited for words at the moment. But even more exciting ... and much more frightening ... I have a job interview tomorrow at 11:00 am. I'm driving out tonight after work in order to be at the interview on time and I'm nervous as can be. It seems too good to be true that I would find out about the offer on the house AND a call for an interview on the same day.

I'm on pins and needles right now, folks. Pins and needles.

Possibilities

As my life has drifted away from the e-life and back into "life" life, I've found myself going into survival mode. I've taken a sabbatical, so to speak, from the computer and have unconsciously avoided writing, designing, business planning, and any other form of creative outlet. I don't know if it is a kind of mental fast or if it is just my realizing that I simply do not have the energy to create new things.

Ruby Red? It might be a long way off. I may never become a booming enterprise, but I do not regret of minute of planning or dreaming.

My two jobs? Still keeping me busy. Exaustedly.

And the life changing event ... one that I hadn't anticipated, but have dreamed about for quite some time ... is still in the works. I'll know in the next two weeks if it will happen or not. If it does, I'll call all my friends and share the good news, choose colors and styles, and then throw myself into a whirlwind of planning and preparation.

(No, no! I can tell what you're thinking! The life change event has nothing to do with the diamond rings, the color white, or invitations).

PMLCEPWKYU

Possible Major Life Change Event in Progress Will Keep You Updated

have you ever

felt small and tired? Like the world has grown and you have shrunk and all you can do is shiver in the crack in the sidewalk like a lost little ant?

Maybe it's the rain. But that's how I feel today.

so, i just did my taxes

Yep. I'm a little slow this year. I've been dragging my feet ever since they eradicated the TeleFile last year. I like the 1040EZ, but the TeleFile was QUICK and EASY. So, last year, because I was in a serious money-crunch, I needed that return ASAP. And I got it, too, after e-filing through H&R Block for free.

But I forgot my user name and password since then (I am not exactly Ms. Organized in my home office. Stuff from the move is still packed awkwardly in a mish-mash of Rubbermaid containers and ripped old moving cartons), so I was reluctant to do it online again, and I kept forgetting to fill out the paperwork.

Which is why I was a little nervous about doing things so late in the game this year. Before, because of the ease of the TeleFile, filing was the first thing I did as soon as all my W-2s came in (all those part-time jobs ... ) But this year was different FOUR W-2s and one unemployment compensation statement later, I had quite a bit of work to do.

But, I finally did it, after creating yet another H & R Block account. Their easy system walked me through it all, and I ended up filing the 1040 and getting back a whoppin' $40 more than the EZ would have gotten me, thanks to a convenient reminder that my student loan interest paid was deductible. Yippee!

2 days and counting ...

I saw from my StatCounter.com account (love it! highly recommend it!) that, amazingly enough, y'all are still visiting this humble blog, despite the fact that I, myself, haven't. In honor of this strange, yet fabulous, phenonmenon, I am blogging at 3:04 a.m., Tuesday morning. I should be asleep by now, but I got all caught up in a wedding favor design project for a good friend, and, well, the Starbuck's DoubleShot I drank around 10:00 p.m. is still going strong ... why didn't I discover those things when I was in college?

But, as for the title of this post, I AM GOING ON VACATION! Words cannot describe my excitement. Easter Sunday is my friend's wedding (if you're reading this, girl, I still can't believe you're getting married. I'm bursting with happiness for you!), but I am off work Thursday until Monday. This is super duper. You have no idea ... I go an average of 7 days in a row working at one job or the other. Sometimes, as much as two weeks goes by without a day off from both places at the same time. This past weekend alone, due to making the food for a wedding reception we catered at the tea room, I have worked a grand total of 30 hours in 3 days. Saturday was the worst, at 14.5 hours straight of working. Let me tell you, my bed never looked so good ...

So, yes, my friend is getting married, and I'm making a road-trip/weekend retreat out of it. I'm going to hit up my favorite Nashville haunts (Hillsboro Village, Fido's, antique malls, the downtown branch of the Nashville Public Library, the Frist Center for the Arts), as well as trying to make it to a Nashville Predator's game Saturday night with my brother, and maybe even stroll through the shops of 12 South, attend a theatrical performance at TPAC, or find a free concert at MTSU's School of Music. (Good ol' alma mater).

And I'm going to get a hotel room for at least two nights. I know, I know--I'm splurging--but it is going to be worth every penny.

And I'm super-duper excited! The countdown to rest and relaxation has BEGUN!

hello! hello?

While it is probably an excellent thing that I have been focusing my energies towards the daily grind versus digital dreaming, I'm afraid I've neglected updating my few remaining readers as to my whereabouts and whatabouts. Sorry!

Status Report:

- Allergy season is among us. My nose could use some relief right about now, and I keep losing my Claritin tablet packaging ...

- Nothing new on the Ruby Red front, except more of the same see-sawing about "is this really what I want to do?"

- Found the cutest '04 VW New Bug (cream, leather seats, CD player, black-top convertible, only 17k on the odometer ...) that I'd love to drive around in this summer. No price tag. Probably one of those if you have to ask you can't afford it deals. Besides, I know of at least three people who've had those Bugs and they poured money into them just to keep them running. And Consumer Reports says that there hasn't been a single model that has passed their stringent reliabilty and "good buy" tests. Not that they know anything. They're only the experts.

Of course, I've yet to convince my inner self of these things. It still wants to go on a road trip to Florida or California or some other sunny, beachy spot in that adorable Bug--top down, wind in hair, big black sunglasses covering my face and Audrey-Hepburnesque scarf fluttering in the wind.

(I should remind that self that my boring green '96 Toyota Camry has 230k on the odometer, hasn't been to get a tune-up in over a year--poor thing; how I neglect it!--and is still running just fine ... minus the odd couple of quarts of oil I have to feed it every month).

- Think I've decided to not go back to grad school--at least not yet. I might just do some non-traditional educational experiences instead. Would love to learn to blow glass or re-upholster furniture.

- Rearranged my bedroom. After one year of living here with my parents, I think I'm finally (almost!) unpacked and moved in. After moving around the furniture, I switched chests of drawers with my Mom's spare bedroom, bought a cheap-o tall bookcase, and moved my boxy stuffed chair, formally of the family room, in with me. All in all, I added two pieces of furniture--but have more space! I am very excited.

Okay, that's about the gist of things at the moment. Must. Blog. More. Later.

LOL.

i'm full

I just did something I hardly ever do--eat a full breakfast. An actual, factual, sit-down, eat-til-you're-full breakfast. Well, all it took to make me full is a bowl of Cheerios cereal and a banana cut into it (yum!). It's all in an effort to eat 3 meals, 2 snacks, and 1 treat per day, at the rate of one meal/snack every 3 hours.

Why? Well, I've mysteriously, magically lost some weight recently. Other than my active on-my-feet lifestyle at my jobs, I don't know what I've done differently to achieve this, but it certainly makes me happy. I stepped on the scale one day and realized I had somehow lost nearly 15 pounds! My so-called "skinny" jeans fit just fine. Trying on some other clothing I had put in storage for "when I lose weight", I found I could wear it too.

So, in a moment of inspiration, I decided right then and there to lose another 20 pounds--on purpose. I've chosen to just do it the simplest way possible and avoid gimmicks and fad diets in favor of eating pretty much whatever I want in moderation, keeping my body fueled so I don't feel hungry, adding extra nutrients in the form of making a conscious effort to eat more fiber, lean protein, complex carbs, vegetables, fruit, and water. Pretty much doing what my mother has told me all along. It's the Mom Told Me So diet. Or, if you want to attach any "name" to it, I would say it most closely resembles the 3-Hour Diet by Jorge Cruise. His 8-Minutes in the Morning exercise program is also useful to a point, but I haven't found it to work that well for lazy ol' me.

Eventually, once I get the eating thing down, I'm going to add more walking the dog (Zoe will love me for it!), other free/cheap aerobic activities, some free-weight training (to build fat-burning muscle), and, hopefully, if finances allow, join a gym. I've always wanted to join a gym, but I'm not going to do it until I know I'll make it worth the $$$.

Last night I planned out what to eat today while at the tea room in the midst of the craziness, so I don't have to think (and I can prepare it in advance for my "lunch break" of, like, three minutes).

And I can't believe that I'm actually awake and typing at 7:15 in the morning. That was a fluke; I accidentally changed the time an hour ahead on my alarm clock last night! But I'm up and at 'em early today, which makes me happy. I have time to relax before heading into my busy day.

how to throw a bridal shower

So, there is a drop-in bridal shower for 31 people tomorrow at the tea room, and I'm in charge. After last Saturday's five parties and 80 people served (in 3 hours, mind you!), this day should be a breeze. Or at least I hope so.

Anyways, today we had a busy day during lunch hour, so we weren't able to get everything prepped in time, so I went in this evening for an hour and a half to bake desserts and cut veggies and fruits. Tomorrow at 9:00 I'll tray sandwhiches, vegetables, fruits, and mini tea desserts on silver platters and have one of the girls set it out on the buffet line for the shower. Of course, before the servers come, I and the other girl in the kitchen will be making the scones and a quiche, along with three kinds of chicken salad, two soups, and all the other normal every day prep work.

By 10:30, the first server will come in and start preparing for the day, and I'll make sure the buffet line and tables for the party are decorated.

Then, 11:00 comes around, the servers will have set up the walk-in tables and the reserved room for the bridal shower.

And then, our first customers will arrive, and BAM! the day begins ...

My adrenaline rush will last until 1:30, when things begin to slow down, and then I force myself to get a second wind just in time to start washing the dishes, cleaning up the kitchen, and mopping the floor after the rest of the girls leave. And then I go home to crash--until 5:30, when I leave for my next job and work the customer service desk at The Big Retail Store until 10:00. THEN I get to drive home and collapse in my bed.

Just another day in the life of me.

bouncing back (again)

Oh. My. Word.

Check this amazing site out. I just stumbled upon it while in the middle of some research for an idea that (inconveniently) popped into my brain at 1:30 a.m. EST. This always seems to happen to me. I nearly give up on the whole concept of designing for profit, and then WHAM! it hits me after midnight, while I'm trying to sleep, and I can't do anything (including that much-coveted sleep) until I have ridden the wave of inspiration wherever it leads me.

Haven't yet gone over all of the site, but it looks yummy for designer types like me to drool over. Hee hee!

pleased to announce ... failure

Oh, I've been a terrible entrepreneur and blogger lately. Everything I said I would do--well, I didn't. To make matters worse, I've been doubting again. Is this the right thing? Why haven't I gotten started, already? Why do I even think that I should join the esteemed ranks of stationers of America? They've been doing it better and longer than I ever have or will.

*sigh*

I joined Paperpreneurs over a year ago, full of faith in my new venture that had yet to take off. Months and months later, I am better equipped to enter the field, but less inclined. I don't know if I really want to do marketing and accounting and sales. I don't know if I really want to sell paper, or just to buy it. I've run dry, and I am embarrassed to know that I am one of the only members who hasn't actually started her business yet.

It's not even a sorrowful feeling I have as I write this public confession. It is a weariness ... a reluctant, yet honest, look at what I truly find important in my life.

I don't mean to publish a rollercoaster diary of fast-paced ups and downs. It must be exhausting to read. Goodness knows it is exhausting to write and live. One day I am the very picture of a budding entrepreneur and the next I am a consummate homebody, reluctant to do anything beyond the daily grind. I talk to my friends and they are confused: is she, or isn't she, gonna do this thing?

I could whine and say I don't have enough money--but that's the easy way out. I know of others who have started with less than what I have. I could say I've decided to do other things--but I haven't, not really. I could laugh and write it all off as hormones--but it isn't.

Fact of the matter is, I'm just plumb tired (read: "plum tarrrred"), as they would say here in East Tennessee.

The good news is this: I have started to live each day of my life as it comes. I've slowed down my blogging and e-mailing and participating in forums in favor of doing things offline, in the real world. I've started trying to eat healthier (that Hardee's Thickburger tonight doesn't count--I was hungry). I've lost weight (yippee!). I've made new friends. I've found a church that is challenging me spiritually and helping me grow as a person. I've re-discovered the beauty of the Bible. Life is good again, even if it is more confusing than it was last year, and even though I am worn out from planning and dreaming.

Next stop? Who knows.

day off

Ohhhhhh ... the blessing of a full day off! Yet it stinks that today feels like Friday, and tomorrow feels like it should be Saturday ...

But I enjoyed it, anyway. Mom and I went for a "girl's day out" to the nearby resort/shopping district of Sevierville, TN and soaked in the glorious 70 degree weather, brilliant blue sky, and spirit-lifting sunshine. The trees are budding, the crocuses and daffodils are out in full bloom (literally!), and I have succommed to a serious case of spring fever.

Once we made it all the way out there, and were pulling into the parking lot of our first destination and I exclaimed, "oh no! I forgot my camera!" I was so disappointed--I had wanted to capture the mini-vacation for this blog. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to go back again. What a shame. LOL.

We ate at Cracker Barrel (finishing off with the yummy Coca-Cola cake!), browsed the Tanger outlet mall (scored some amazing t-shirts that fit, well, to a "T"), and wandered to our hearts delight through a simply delightful antique shop. Let me tell you, this shop was incredible! It had everything from vintage jewelry to an operational gold-plated cash register to a wicker basket for a hot air balloon! I walked out of the store with a wooden shoe-form (something I've had on my wish list for months) and an early 1900s era photograph of a beautiful girl smiling. I didn't know they ever smiled in those old pictures.

While on our little jaunt, we discussed future business ideas and goals. Mom and I are the incorrigible entrepreneurs in our family; we can and do get excited about at least a dozen different ideas each week. The problem is choosing one to run with. I already know I've got Ruby Red in the works, but that doesn't stop me from sharing the vision for others!

fairy tales

Fairy tales. Worlds of magic and mystery and miracles exist in those tales. They beckon you to enter in and experience the wonder for yourself, all over again. When I was younger, I used to read the "Fairy Books"--those collections of tales that always featured a color. For instance, the "Blue Fairy Book," or the "Green Fairy Book." If you've read them or seen them, you know that they aren't about fairies who were blue or green, but named for the color of their covers. Inside the books would be tales of dwarves and singing barnyard animals and ogres and, yes, even fairies.

At times more gruesome at times than what Disney would portray (I don't remember Cinderella's step-sisters cutting off their heels or toes in order to fit the glass slipper in the movie, like they did in the book!), the stories presented an alternate world in which good was rewarded and evil was punished and words of wisdom were hidden among childhood tales. Reading them felt like how the world really should be.

I'm currently reading Keeping a Princess Heart: In a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World by Nicole Johnson. It's a new direction for me to head ... when I was very young, I did, indeed participate in skirt-twirling contests with my kindergarten friends, but when I reached the double digits (all 10 years of it!) I started to lose interest in bangles and ruffles and avoided the color pink at all costs. Slowly, but surely, I've begun regaining my inner lost girly-girl who somehow became jaded and guarded over the years.

But the book is not really about being a girly-girl and wearing a tiara on your head each day. Actually, it's more an allegorical reminder about how to keep the balance between dreams and reality--how not to lose hold of the beautiful hopes for the future while living in the frantic pace of the present, which, all things considered, is excellent advice for me and any other person who has big goals on hold.

So, in the spirit of my inner princess, I'm going to commit to doing something: I'm going to take at least 30 minutes this week to make some calls and talk to local printers for some general information on costs and procedures, and then I'm going to work on at least two actual designs for Ruby Red. And then I'm going to write a to-do list on this blog for additional practical steps towards realizing my own personal fairy tale--the one in which this princess not only spins straw into gold, but also beats Rumpelstiltskin at his own game and ends up making a profit in which to buy her own castle in which to live happily ever after "even when there ain't no prince" (to quote Joy Williams).

ouch!!!

I'm sick again. I woke up with a pounding headache and sinus problems. Nothing new, really. As I've said before: I find nothing cute at all about my frequent battles with acute sinusitus.

So, because I know how this will go ... recurring episodes of the lovely little infection until I get rid of it once and for all ... I broke down and went to the Urgent Care clinic in town. He diagnosed me as predicted (I could have saved him the trouble and just told him what to prescribe me!).

He did something new, though. He had me get a shot for some instant anti-inflamatory relief, and then prescribed the normal 30-day dose of antibiotic horse pills, as well as a decongestant.

Healthcare in the US definitely is not cheap. I don't know how much I owe for the shot, since they won't send the bill for another couple of months, but hopefully my sickness and accident plan for my "health insurance policy" will cover 80% of it after the co-pay. As for the prescriptions; I'm hurting. The antibiotic alone cost me $110! That's ridiculous! My insurance plan is the bare minimum, so I didn't get a prescription card, hence, I only get a "discount", hence, I didn't get much of a "discount" at all. Grrrr.

Fortunately, I have just enough health insurance to provide a $15 co-pay for sick visits. Otherwise, that would have been another $140 on top of everything else.

If I didn't know that taking that much antibiotics will probably clear up my underlying skin issues (occasional outbreaks of zits), I would have to faint right about now. I guess I'm just going to look at it as preventative medicine so that I don't have to go the doctor again during hay-fever season, plus a "free" prescription from my "dermatologist."

national craft month

March is National Craft Month in the US and Make It! month in the UK.

I intend to celebrate by having my mom teach me to use her sewing machine (after at least 10 years of avoiding the thing), and by continuing to flit about with my crafty supplies to determine my favorite things to do on a free evening (not that I have that many!).

In other news ... yes, Ruby Red Design is actually coming along *gasp!*. I've got some things I'm looking into, and I would like to see that it is an actually business within the next six months--less, if I have my way! Up next is working on a busines plan, getting a business checking account (and putting some of my own money in it), work on designs (which means some major catch-up learning time in Illustrator and InDesign CS2!), and then licenses, wholesale supplier accounts, tax ID#, making contact with printers in the area, etc. I have a lead for a place to showcase my finished products in a boutique-style consignment shop. I'll look into the pros and cons of that in a little bit.

Otherwise, my over-active entrepreneurial imagination went in over-drive last night after sitting in my bed propped up with fluffy pillows and browsing the latest issue of Country Living magazine (love, love, love it! This month has an entire feature on female entrepreneurs!). There is also an article on creating a craft room and/or space for creativity. Ohh! I was so excited and inspired by what I saw. And then I thought ... wouldn't it be wonderful to own a tiny little boutique shop that sold craft supplies ... not those tired, mass-market, and sometimes-cheesy things at A.C.Moore or Hobby Lobby, but a sweet little place to browse to your heart's delight for antique buttons, vintage fabrics, adorable skeins of yarn, scraps of lace or ribbon, and ephemera galore? A place where you never find the same things twice, because the majority of it would be bits and pieces scouted out from flea markets, anitique shops, and grandma's attic? Wouldn't that be just so charming?! I might just have to meld that to Ruby Red somehow. I mean, I might not be able to make a quilt or knit a sweater, but I could sell these amazing little "finds" to other ladies who do!

*sigh* Oh, the businesses I could start if I just had the $$$. LOL!

what comes next

I've been thinking a lot about reality lately. For instance, it is a reality that I need to stop blogging and head out the door within the next three minutes in order for me to get to work on time.

I think I've come to the conclusion that it is easy ... much too easy ... to get wrapped up in fantasy. Like thinking, "oh, I'll do it tomorrow," or "that will never happen to me," or "wouldn't it be wonderful if ..."

I guess anyone who's ever been successful has lived in reality: the whole past, present, and future of it.

Learn from the past, act in the present, and plan for the future. Pretty simple, huh? Except that I tend to get lost somewhere along the way. Doesn't really matter what's at stake. It could be eating healthily or losing weight or writing a book or serving the Lord or starting a business. What matters is what I do on a minute-to-minute basis to act on these goals.

So, what comes next?

I'll have to tell you later ... for now, I have to act in the reality that I have 8 minutes to get to work.