Oh, I've been a terrible entrepreneur and blogger lately. Everything I said I would do--well, I didn't. To make matters worse, I've been doubting again. Is this the right thing? Why haven't I gotten started, already? Why do I even think that I should join the esteemed ranks of stationers of America? They've been doing it better and longer than I ever have or will.
I joined Paperpreneurs over a year ago, full of faith in my new venture that had yet to take off. Months and months later, I am better equipped to enter the field, but less inclined. I don't know if I really want to do marketing and accounting and sales. I don't know if I really want to sell paper, or just to buy it. I've run dry, and I am embarrassed to know that I am one of the only members who hasn't actually started her business yet.
It's not even a sorrowful feeling I have as I write this public confession. It is a weariness ... a reluctant, yet honest, look at what I truly find important in my life.
I don't mean to publish a rollercoaster diary of fast-paced ups and downs. It must be exhausting to read. Goodness knows it is exhausting to write and live. One day I am the very picture of a budding entrepreneur and the next I am a consummate homebody, reluctant to do anything beyond the daily grind. I talk to my friends and they are confused: is she, or isn't she, gonna do this thing?
I could whine and say I don't have enough money--but that's the easy way out. I know of others who have started with less than what I have. I could say I've decided to do other things--but I haven't, not really. I could laugh and write it all off as hormones--but it isn't.
Fact of the matter is, I'm just plumb tired (read: "plum tarrrred"), as they would say here in East Tennessee.
The good news is this: I have started to live each day of my life as it comes. I've slowed down my blogging and e-mailing and participating in forums in favor of doing things offline, in the real world. I've started trying to eat healthier (that Hardee's Thickburger tonight doesn't count--I was hungry). I've lost weight (yippee!). I've made new friends. I've found a church that is challenging me spiritually and helping me grow as a person. I've re-discovered the beauty of the Bible. Life is good again, even if it is more confusing than it was last year, and even though I am worn out from planning and dreaming.
Next stop? Who knows.